I will run this track in 3 days. Holy shit.
As I was showing my friends the "everything you need to know" guide to the marathon yesterday, I started getting extremely nervous. 26 fucking miles.
Admittedly, my longest run has only been 15 miles. Tried to make 20 happen and it just didn't get there. I've told that to a few runners and they look at me with that, "Ooooh, well I'm sure you'll be okay..." judgmental face and all my confidence goes out the window.
This got me thinking about discipline. Have I not tried hard enough? Would I be nervous if I had stuck exactly to the plan?
I've never been the most disciplined person. I knew that would be my biggest struggle in completing this marathon, but I was determined to work hard and maybe, finally be an organized, put together and all-around "better" person.
Turns out I'm still kind of a hot mess. Well, a little better than that, but definitely still a work in progress. Not just in running, but kind of in life in general. I always feel like I could be doing better, that I should be disciplining myself more and constantly working towards being that perfectly-balanced person I, oh so badly, want to become.
Said person, do you even exist?
But I always seem to give into those little indulgences. As hard as I've tried to condition my life to fit in all of these things that I think I'm supposed to do, I always seem to give into the impulses and temptations that surround me every day. There's always some justification--"I have a lot of work to do today; I'll just run extra long tomorrow," or "I mean [random friend] only turns 23 once, I suppose I can go out for a drink and finish this assignment after"--that leads me away from the written out plan I like to call my to-do list.
Some people question how I manage to do everything I do. How do I fit in so much?
So why do I never feel like I'm doing enough? Always my own toughest critic.
To keep myself positive these next few days, I need to stay focused on the reason why I decided to do this in the first place.
Working at the finish line for the 2011 marathon, I saw people in every shape, color and size cross that line. Blind people; disabled people; even people with no legs at all.
It was one of the single most inspirational things I have ever seen and apparently it turned me into a crazy person because it was that day that I decided I'm going to cross that finish line too.